My eldest daughter told me today: “Mom, why don’t you write a book about being a mom?”

🤣 I could not stop laughing. 🤣

I told my daughter: “The book you want me to write would have just one sentence… How to survive and fight the thoughts of feeling the worst mom alive?”

I will tell you the truth. In my first pregnancy I felt that I did not deserve the child I was going to give birth to. After I had my first child, I did not feel I was a mom for a very, very long time. Even with my friends and family telling me: “you are a great mom.” I could not believe it. I feared to be the same mom, my mother was to me. My own mother was very disconnected and always working.

My eldest daughter and I.

My second preganancy all I could think about is how alone I was in the process of my pregnancies. During my second pregnancy my husband’s sister was pregnant and being pampered by her parents in front of my eyes. It really opened my eyes to feel resentment for wanting to have my family pamper me during my own pregnancy. I was loosing my grandmother (real mother) and my grandfather had already died. My biological father had moved to Florida and my mother was still working non-stop (she always said she had no time for anything else.) I had not had a present mom. I was always taken care of by others in the family. My biological mother dedicated herself to her education and career completely. So, I expected to be a disconnected mom just like I learned from my mom, with my own kids.

My second daughter with her Dad showing her Sunday School work.

My third pregnancy for a long time I fought against having any other children. I imagine me forgetting my child in the backseat of the car because three would be too much for me to manage. I already felt so incapable of managing 2, imagine adding one more. Oh, how wrong was I!!! When we decided to homeschool the Lord used a beautiful well behaved little homeschooler (this family’s third child) to open my heart to having another child. This toddler was changing my perspective on family life. As part of a Homeschooling group we all went to a theater to watch a play. Oh! Wow! How the Lord opened my eyes that day. The theater was full of regular school children and the front area of the auditorium had all homeschooling children and their parents. You could perceive the difference between the regular school children and the homeschooling children. The homeschooling children where all well behaved and ready to watch the play. The regular school children where ready to jump up and down and scream all over the place. They where so loud and exalted, it seem like they needed to go to a park to let go of all that energy. When you watched all the homeschooling waiting with patience and order to see the play, speaking low among themselves, without abandoning their assign seating there was a huge difference. I could see homeschooling had something different that made me believe in a different way to deal with children. I can only imagine that what made all the difference is the Love, the acceptance, the time invested, the getting to know who is your child, the investing in their future with whatever helps them grow in wisdom, and in truth. These homeschooler really taught me that a child that is seen by their parents is so full of love and acceptance that makes all the difference in society with their well behave attitude. No need to impress outside to earn the love and attention they crave from no time at home with parents. (Remember I was that child that needed to impress the outside world, because the love and attention I craved from the one that bore me, I never received it.)

I am writing about this almost 4 years after this event. I can see today when I look at my children that only LOVE and our effort to know their strength and weaknesses can make them better each and every day. I always try to do better at loving and guiding them with an open heart to get to see them, and not what I want to imagine they are.

My husband’s heart was always ready, he is the second child of three. My eldest was also praying for years for another child.

That little child in that little moment at a play opened my heart to have another child of my own. The love and peace she showed and the security she found in being stuck to her mom at all times before, during, and after the play confronted me! Its a baby! She was waiting to watch a play silently, interested, aware and she was at all times in perfect peace and order. What a difference! I wanted this! 😍

My own little homeschooled toddler “stuck to me at all times.” What a blessing of hope she has been to all in such a time as this! “Pandemic Baby”

Even when feeling completely unprepared and so not capable of filling the shoes of someone being called a mother. The Lord shortly after opened my womb again and I was pregnant with our third child. This process was used to heal my harden heart about my own capabilities of leading my own children in a world of continued change and uncertainty, all because JESUS was giving me the go ahead in His perfect peace that surpasses all understanding, and to believe He was guiding my family, and securing our steps each day.

Yes! A woman can be called a mother and not really feel, act, and be a real mother. If we let the Lord be the center of our hearts. Jesus heals us and uses every hurt for our childrens good, edification, and blessings.

Praying for you…

May the Lord bless your family with unity and peace. May the Lord edify every area of your family’s life to be transformed for all your good. May You see Jesus making all things new inside and out within your family’s unity. May all hearts be edified and healed inside out to shine Jesus glory more and more.

Jesus loves you and so do I.

In His time, He makes it all new and worth the wait.

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